More at peace

A year ago from today, was when I lost my grandfather. I still can't believe it's been a year already. Just a year ago, I was on my cruise, completely unaware of what had happened. I think for me, the hardest part was dealing with that guilt. It definitely took me a long time to stop beating myself up and to let go of that guilt of not being here when it happened. I went to the cemetery today and did all those Asian traditions that we're supposed to do. I don't understand any of it but I just follow along, anything to help make my mom and grandmother feel better. I know that for me personally, being here today helped cleanse my guilt even more. It's the strangest thing, today and the time I went a month ago, the weather became freakishly cool just for that day. I was able to compose myself a lot better than the last time. Though I can't say that for last night, since I had a slight break down. I guess since this was an actual marker of a year passing, it got me thinking. It's been a whole year and I haven't really accomplished anything. I've been fighting but nothing has been actually won. It just saddened me to know that I'd be there talking to my grandfather and I wouldn't really have anything great to say to make him proud of me. I just really hope that my mom can become more at peace with this as time goes by.